For many couples, after deciding to have children, the next happy task is sharing the news. Typically, they expect grandparents-to-be to react with unbridled joy. But sometimes, the reaction from a mother-in-law is lukewarm or even subtly negative. While most women would never say they aren’t thrilled about grandchildren, their true feelings can leak out in confusing ways. Consequently, this can be incredibly hurtful for a couple expecting enthusiastic support. Recognizing the signs your MIL doesn’t want grandkids is key to navigating this delicate family dynamic.
Here are ten subtle signs that your mother-in-law might not be as excited as you’d hoped.
1. She Responds to Your News with “Practical” Concerns
When you share your happy news, her immediate reaction isn’t a hug. Instead, she jumps straight to the practical downsides. She might ask, “But are you sure you can afford a baby right now?” By immediately focusing on the negatives, she casts a shadow over your joy. In short, it’s her way of expressing reservations without stating them directly.
2. She Never Asks About the Pregnancy or the Baby
An excited grandmother-to-be is typically full of questions, like “How are you feeling?” or “Have you picked out a name?” In contrast, a mother-in-law who is unenthusiastic will remain noticeably silent. She will never bring up the topic herself. Moreover, if you offer an update, she will listen politely but quickly change the subject. This deliberate lack of curiosity is a powerful sign of disinterest.
3. She “Jokes” About Her Freedom and How Glad She Is That Her Kids Are Grown
Pay close attention to her offhand comments about her own life stage. For instance, she might frequently say things like, “I love being an empty nester; I can finally do what I want.” While these statements might be true, their timing is what matters. If she makes these comments frequently after you’ve announced your pregnancy, it’s a passive-aggressive message. Essentially, she’s saying she is not interested in returning to a baby-centric phase of life.
4. She Doesn’t Offer to Help in Any Meaningful Way
Most enthusiastic grandmothers-to-be will offer to help. They might throw a baby shower or offer to babysit. However, a mother-in-law who isn’t excited will be conspicuously absent with her offers. She may say a vague, “Well, let me know if you need anything,” but she will never make a concrete offer of her time. This is a clear sign that she does not want to be actively involved.
5. She Compares Your Pregnancy to Her Own in a Negative Light
When you talk about your pregnancy, she might consistently turn the conversation into a competition. She’ll focus on how much harder she had it. You had morning sickness? She had hyperemesis. You’re tired? She worked right up until giving birth. Clearly, this isn’t a bonding experience. It’s a subtle way to minimize your experience and interrupt your new status as a parent.
6. She Forgets Important Milestones or Appointments
You tell her the date of your big ultrasound, yet she forgets to call and ask how it went. You mention that you’re starting to feel the baby kick, but the next time you see her, she has no recollection. While anyone can be forgetful, a consistent pattern of forgetting major pregnancy milestones is a sign of disengagement. Ultimately, people remember what they care about, so her forgetfulness signals this isn’t a high priority.
7. She Gives Unsolicited, Outdated, and Often Dangerous Advice
This is a subtle way of creating distance and asserting control. For example, she might insist on parenting techniques from 30 years ago that are now known to be unsafe. When you politely correct her with modern information, she may get defensive. This isn’t about her being helpful. Instead, it’s about her resisting your new role as the parent and creating a dynamic where she is the expert.
8. Her Body Language Is Tense or Distant
Words can lie, but body language often tells the truth. When you talk about the baby, does she cross her arms or avoid eye contact? Does she seem to shrink away when you ask if she wants to feel the baby kick? This physical distance and closed-off posture are subconscious signs of her emotional discomfort. In effect, she is literally and figuratively keeping the idea of a new baby at arm’s length.
9. She Doesn’t Participate in Planning or Gifting
An excited grandmother often starts buying baby clothes or planning a shower right away. A mother-in-law who doesn’t want to be a grandmother will be noticeably absent from these activities. Specifically, she won’t ask about your registry or show any enthusiasm for celebrating the upcoming arrival. Her lack of participation is a silent but powerful statement about her feelings.
10. She Makes It About Her and Her Feelings
Ultimately, her reaction is not about you or the baby; it’s about her. For example, she may be afraid of what the title “Grandma” signifies about her age. She might also worry that a new baby will take her own child’s attention away from her. Furthermore, she could be enjoying her own freedom and resent the expectation that she will now be a built-in babysitter. Her lukewarm reaction, therefore, is a reflection of her own anxieties, not a reflection of you.
You Can’t Control Her Feelings, Only Your Expectations
Realizing your mother-in-law is not excited about your child is a painful experience. However, it’s important to remember that you cannot force her to feel a certain way. The best you can do is manage your own expectations. For instance, find your enthusiastic support system in other friends and family. Set clear boundaries regarding her involvement and unsolicited advice. Above all, focus on the joy of your growing family, with or without her full participation. The love you are about to bring into the world is the only thing that truly matters.
Have you ever had to deal with a family member who wasn’t supportive during a major life event? Share your experience in the comments.
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Latrice is a dedicated professional with a rich background in social work, complemented by an Associate Degree in the field. Her journey has been uniquely shaped by the rewarding experience of being a stay-at-home mom to her two children, aged 13 and 5. This role has not only been a testament to her commitment to family but has also provided her with invaluable life lessons and insights.
As a mother, Latrice has embraced the opportunity to educate her children on essential life skills, with a special focus on financial literacy, the nuances of life, and the importance of inner peace.
