Receiving a compliment should feel good, but sometimes a seemingly positive remark lands with a thud, leaving the recipient feeling awkward, insulted, or confused. Certain “compliments” are actually thinly veiled criticisms or reflect outdated, sexist assumptions. These backhanded compliments often diminish a woman’s accomplishments, focus inappropriately on her appearance, or compare her to others in a negative way. Understanding why these phrases miss the mark is key to communicating with more respect and sincerity. Here are five common “compliments” that many women would rather not hear.
1. “You’re Not Like Other Girls.”
This phrase is often intended to mean, “You’re special and unique.” However, it functions by putting down an entire gender to lift up one person. It implies that being a typical “girl” is a bad thing and that the recipient is superior because she doesn’t fit a negative stereotype. This is one of those backhanded compliments that fosters a sense of competition rather than camaraderie among women. True compliments celebrate an individual’s qualities without insulting others.
2. “You Look So Much Better Without Makeup.”
While this might be meant to praise a woman’s natural beauty, it can feel like a critique of her choice to wear makeup. It suggests that her usual appearance is somehow flawed or that she is being deceptive when she puts on cosmetics. Women wear makeup for many reasons—for fun, for confidence, or as a form of self-expression. This comment can undermine that choice and make her feel self-conscious either way. It’s a classic example of well-intentioned but misguided backhanded compliments.
3. “You’re Too Pretty to Be So Smart.”
This “compliment” is deeply rooted in the sexist idea that beauty and intelligence are mutually exclusive traits for women. It suggests that a woman’s appearance is her primary asset and that her intellect is a surprising and unexpected bonus. It diminishes her hard-earned knowledge and accomplishments by tying them to her looks. Praising a woman’s intelligence should never be qualified by a comment about her appearance, as it’s one of the most offensive backhanded compliments.
4. “I’m So Impressed You Can Do That for a Woman.”
Adding the qualifier “for a woman” or “for a girl” to any praise instantly negates the sentiment. Saying someone is a good driver “for a woman” or strong “for a woman” implies that the standard is naturally lower for an entire gender. It turns a statement about competence into a patronizing observation based on a limiting stereotype. A person’s skills and abilities should be acknowledged on their own merit, without comparison to a biased standard.
5. “You Look Tired.” (Followed by “But Still Good!”)
Pointing out that someone looks tired is rarely, if ever, a compliment, even if you try to soften the blow. It’s an observation that makes the person feel scrutinized and self-conscious about their appearance. Often, people are tired for very real reasons, and having it pointed out does not help. If your goal is to show you care, it is far better to ask “Is everything okay?” rather than commenting on their physical state, which often comes across as a backhanded compliment.
Think Before You Speak
The impact of our words matters far more than our intent. Many of these backhanded compliments stem from unconscious biases and societal stereotypes we’ve all internalized. The key to giving a genuine compliment is to be specific, sincere, and to focus on a person’s choices, efforts, or character rather than making broad, comparative judgments. By being more mindful in our communication, we can ensure our words lift people up rather than subtly putting them down. True praise should leave a person feeling seen and valued, not analyzed.
What is a “compliment” you’ve received that didn’t feel like one? Share your experience in the comments.
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Latrice is a dedicated professional with a rich background in social work, complemented by an Associate Degree in the field. Her journey has been uniquely shaped by the rewarding experience of being a stay-at-home mom to her two children, aged 13 and 5. This role has not only been a testament to her commitment to family but has also provided her with invaluable life lessons and insights.
As a mother, Latrice has embraced the opportunity to educate her children on essential life skills, with a special focus on financial literacy, the nuances of life, and the importance of inner peace.