If you came of age in the 80s or 90s, your education in romance likely came from John Hughes movies, sitcoms with laugh tracks, and epic power ballads. It was a time of mixtapes, waiting by the phone, and grand, dramatic gestures. At the time, it all seemed so romantic. Now, however, we’re realizing it may have been terrible training for the real world.
In reality, the cultural scripts we learned about love and dating were often dysfunctional, as they taught us to prioritize drama over stability and games over honesty. Consequently, for many Gen X-ers and older millennials, these lessons have led to a lifetime of frustrating relationship patterns. Here are seven terrible 80s and 90s relationship habits we need to unlearn.
1. Chasing the “Grand Romantic Gesture” from Movies
Remember Lloyd Dobler holding a boombox over his head in Say Anything? Or Pretty Woman’s fire escape serenade? Pop culture taught our generation that huge, public displays of affection prove love. As a result, we learned to wait for the grand gesture that would sweep us off our feet.
In reality, small, consistent acts of kindness and respect build a healthy love. It’s about remembering to pick up milk, listening after a long day, and being a reliable partner. By chasing the movie moment, we often overlooked the quiet, steady love that was right in front of us.
2. Thinking “Playing Hard to Get” Is a Strategy
Rules filled the dating advice of the 80s and 90s. For example, don’t call him back right away. Don’t seem too available. Ultimately, the idea was that being mysterious and aloof would make you more desirable. This media taught us that dating was a game of cat and mouse, where the person who cared less had all the power.
However, this is a recipe for disaster. Clear communication and vulnerability build healthy relationships. In contrast, playing games creates anxiety and mistrust from the very beginning. A partner who is only interested when you are distant is not a partner worth having.
3. Avoiding Difficult Conversations
On sitcoms, writers usually solved big relationship problems in 22 minutes, often with a hug and a cheesy line. There was rarely a depiction of the hard, awkward, and sometimes painful conversations necessary for a real relationship to survive. As a result, we learned to sweep issues under the rug to avoid conflict.
Unfortunately, this habit of conflict avoidance is devastating in the long run. In fact, unresolved issues don’t disappear; they fester and grow into deep-seated resentment. Modern relationships, therefore, require the courage to have the tough talks, even when it’s uncomfortable.
4. Ignoring Red Flags for Physical Chemistry
The 80s and 90s were all about intense, all-consuming passion. Pop culture taught us that if the physical chemistry was electric, nothing else mattered. We saw characters in movies and on TV fall into bed with deeply problematic people simply because there was a “spark.”
Specifically, this trained us to ignore glaring red flags. For instance, we might overlook controlling behavior, dishonesty, or emotional immaturity because the physical connection was so strong. We’ve had to learn the hard way that chemistry without character is a dead end.
5. Believing in “The One” Soulmate Myth
Romantic narratives from that era centered on the idea of finding your one and only perfect soulmate. It was a romantic, destiny-fueled fantasy. The problem is, it sets an impossible standard. Moreover, it implies that a relationship shouldn’t require any work; it should just be “meant to be.”
Therefore, the soulmate myth makes us give up too easily when challenges arise. It also makes us question a perfectly good partner because they aren’t flawless. Lasting love isn’t about finding the perfect person, but rather about building a perfect love with an imperfect person.
6. The Fear of Being Alone
People still used the term “old maid” very much in the 80s and 90s. Additionally, there was immense social pressure, especially on women, to be coupled up. Pop culture often portrayed being single as a sad, pitiable state. Consequently, this created a deep-seated fear of being alone.
This fear, in turn, led many of us to stay in mediocre or even bad relationships for far too long because we were more afraid of being single than of being unhappy. Fortunately, one of the best developments in modern dating is the growing understanding that being happily single is infinitely better than being unhappily partnered.
7. Equating Jealousy with Love
In movies and music videos, media often portrayed jealousy as romantic. They presented a man’s possessiveness as proof of how much he cared and framed it as a passionate and desirable trait. As a result, we learned to interpret a partner’s jealousy as a sign of their deep love for us.
Now, however, we know that jealousy is not a sign of love; in fact, it’s a sign of insecurity and a desire for control. It is a major red flag for potentially abusive behavior. A healthy partner trusts you and wants you to have a full life that their fears do not control.
Unlearning the Rom-Com Rules
The romantic ideals of the 80s and 90s gave us great soundtracks, but they also gave us a lot of terrible relationship habits. The good news is that we can unlearn them. By prioritizing open communication, mutual respect, and emotional honesty over drama and games, we can build the healthy, stable relationships that our younger selves deserved to see on screen.
What’s a dating “rule” from the past that you’re glad is gone?
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Latrice is a dedicated professional with a rich background in social work, complemented by an Associate Degree in the field. Her journey has been uniquely shaped by the rewarding experience of being a stay-at-home mom to her two children, aged 13 and 5. This role has not only been a testament to her commitment to family but has also provided her with invaluable life lessons and insights.
As a mother, Latrice has embraced the opportunity to educate her children on essential life skills, with a special focus on financial literacy, the nuances of life, and the importance of inner peace.
