It seems like a paradox. Why would someone choose a chaotic relationship over a peaceful one? Furthermore, why might a person feel more at ease in a crisis than in a moment of calm? This behavior can baffle an outside observer. Indeed, it goes against our basic survival instincts, as we are supposed to seek safety and avoid danger.
But for some people, the familiar feels safe, even if it is harmful. This response often has roots in past experiences, particularly childhood trauma. The brain learns to adapt to its environment. If that environment was consistently unstable or dangerous, the brain then wires itself for that reality. Understanding this is key to having compassion for ourselves and others who feel safer in unsafe situations.
The Comfort of a Familiar Chaos
If you grew up in a chaotic household, chaos becomes your normal. The yelling, the unpredictability, and the constant tension—these are the conditions your nervous system learned to operate in. As an adult, a calm, stable, and predictable environment can therefore feel deeply unsettling. Because it is unfamiliar, your brain does not have a roadmap for it.
In a strange way, a chaotic situation can feel like coming home. You know how to navigate it and understand the rules of engagement. You have also developed coping mechanisms for it. We can consequently mistake this familiarity for safety. The person is not seeking pain. Instead, they are seeking the environment they are best equipped to survive in.
When Calm Feels Unsettling
For someone accustomed to chaos, peace can be unnerving. The quiet can feel like the “calm before the storm.” Their hypervigilant nervous system is waiting for the other shoe to drop. As a result, they might feel bored, antsy, or even suspicious of a peaceful environment or a kind partner.
This can lead to self-sabotaging behaviors. For instance, a person might subconsciously provoke an argument in a stable relationship or create a crisis at work. This represents an attempt to return the environment to a level of chaos that feels more familiar and, therefore, more manageable. In fact, the tension of waiting for something bad to happen is often worse than the bad thing itself.
Repeating Patterns to Gain Control
Trauma can leave you feeling powerless. One way the psyche tries to regain a sense of control is by repeating traumatic patterns in a new context, which is a subconscious attempt to master the situation this time around. For example, a person might repeatedly choose partners who are emotionally unavailable, just like a neglectful parent.
The subconscious hope is, “This time, I will make them love me. This time, I will fix it.” Of course, this rarely works. In reality, the pattern often leads to re-traumatization. But the drive to repeat it is powerful because it is an attempt to rewrite a painful history and to finally win a game that was rigged from the start.
The Brain’s Survival Mode
The human brain is wired for survival. When you experience trauma, parts of your brain responsible for threat detection (like the amygdala) can become overactive. Consequently, you get stuck in a state of high alert, or “fight-or-flight.” In this state, stress hormones like cortisol and adrenaline flood your body.
Over time, a person can become accustomed to this chemical cocktail. A calm state, with lower levels of these hormones, can feel flat or even depressive. On the other hand, the adrenaline rush of a crisis or an intense argument can feel stimulating and alive. This is not a conscious choice. Rather, it is a physiological response that makes high-stress situations feel strangely compelling.
Confusing Intensity with Intimacy
In a healthy relationship, trust, vulnerability, and mutual respect build intimacy. For someone who grew up in a traumatic environment, however, these concepts can be foreign. They may have learned to confuse intense emotions with love and connection. For instance, they might see the dramatic highs and lows of a volatile relationship as passion.
The cycle of breaking up and making up, the screaming matches followed by intense apologies—we can mistake this drama for deep feeling. A stable, secure love can seem boring in comparison. In short, the person has learned to equate emotional turmoil with intimacy, making it difficult to recognize and accept genuine, healthy connection.
Redefining Your Sense of Safety
If you feel safer in unsafe situations, it is important to know you are not broken. Your brain adapted brilliantly to help you survive a difficult past. The challenge now is to teach it a new definition of safety. This is not a quick or easy process. In fact, it often involves therapy to heal the underlying trauma. It means learning to tolerate the discomfort of calm. Moreover, it is about consciously choosing stability, even when it feels strange. It is the brave work of teaching your nervous system that peace is not a threat, but a true and lasting home.
Does this concept of finding safety in chaos resonate with you? Please share your perspective in the comments.
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Latrice is a dedicated professional with a rich background in social work, complemented by an Associate Degree in the field. Her journey has been uniquely shaped by the rewarding experience of being a stay-at-home mom to her two children, aged 13 and 5. This role has not only been a testament to her commitment to family but has also provided her with invaluable life lessons and insights.
As a mother, Latrice has embraced the opportunity to educate her children on essential life skills, with a special focus on financial literacy, the nuances of life, and the importance of inner peace.
